Messing with Snape
by Titania Snape
Summary: I am the original author, I just posted here under this name as someone else has Titania on this site. This is thru Ch10, I am currently editing Ch 11 to make the smut more along the lines of standards. Meanwhile, please review!
1. Default Chapter

I own nothing and no one. It's all JKR

I hate Professor Snape with every fiber of my being. He cannot be allowed to get away with giving me such appalling marks! He's a bastard, prick, fuck head, son of a bitch, toad, bat, vampire. He will pay, oh yes he will pay! If it's the last thing I do, he will be sorry. He will regret the day he fucked with me!

Whew! Glad I got that out of my system! I must rant and rave before I can think properly, and I must have a clear head to plan my revenge. My honor depends on my getting him back. I am willing to face anything. Detention, cauldron scrubbing, Dark Forest with Filch even Hagrids' rock cakes. Oh yes, even Filch!

What to do, what to do? It must be unique, as I am sure I'm not the first student who has tried the revenge bit. It must be torturous and more vicious than anything Voldimort was ever capable of.

So, that rules out singing the Brady Bunch over and over. That drives me fucking crazy! I mustn't think of that song, because it will repeat it's self over and over and over again in my head. Also leaves out raising hand and asking stupid questions over and over, rewording them each time to make them seem different. 

No to whoopee cushions, exploding cigars, ink filled gum. I don't think he showers, so Rit dye in the showerhead is out. Pity, I think Snape would look good all blue. I could hex a kilt on him and imagine him as William Wallace. Snape in a kilt. Don't go there, too frightening.

The fluttering of wings, announcing the post interrupts my thoughts. Weee! There's something for me! I hold my hands out and catch the box my owl drops into them. Oh but yes! Mum's cookies! I can smell them through the box. So can the others judging from the drool now puddling on the table. I look side to side and smile, yes I have cookies, what are you willing to give me for one?

I slide my finger under the tape and slowly open the box, savoring the looks of longing I am receiving from my classmates. Oh yes, I have the cookies. Mine. All mine. Their scent wafts across the room. Oh shit! Professor Dumbledore has smelled them! He is twinkling at me and smiling! I know I will have to share with him. Damn his sweet tooth! Ah! Even the bastard has perked up at the smell. He'd have to use an Unforgivable to get me to share my cookies with him. Prick.

But wait! What is this I see? Mom and her anal-retentive packing. Let no cookie be broken in transit, for heavens to Betsy they are packed in, oh yessssss! I am grinning maniacally now, and my cheeks are beginning to hurt. My heart is pounding in anticipation. Revenge will be mine! I run from the Great Hall box in hand, giggling maniacally! I'm sure everyone thinks I've finally gone crackers, but I don't care! I can't wait for potions class.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so here I sit. The hour has finally arrived! Bout time too. Grinned through all of my classes this morning and I'm sure Magonnagle thinks I'm a loon. Binns just smiled back and then started droning on and on and on. The poor soul needs speech lessons or something. The day crawled to its conclusion and so here I sit in Potions, my quiet demeanor belying my intentions. I just have to pick the right time.

Pompous ass has flicked the ingredients for today's potion onto the board. So much for 'no foolish wand waving'. We all gather our ingredence and return to our seats. The room grows quiet as we diligently work on our assignment.

We are past the point where any cauldron can explode, it's all watch and wait now. Perfect. You could hear a pin drop. Now.

POP! Pause, glance around. Look bewildered.

POP! POP!

Snape looks up from the pile of parchments in front of him "What was that?" he growls. There is a collective shrug. Oh, he's scowling now. Good. Bastard.

POP! POP! POP! This feels sooooo gooood! Careful! Don't get snared by your own trap now! Resist! Stay away from the light! The bastard has hopped up out of his chair.

"What is that!" he hisses. I must not grin. Must not! Must not! "What ever that noise is, do not let it happen again." Sweeping the room with his eyes one more time, he resumes his seat behind his desk. Good.

POP! POP! POP! Oh good, I can giggle now, since the class is beginning to. Musn't look guilty. Not yet.

"STOP THAT NOISE!" Oh my, he is almost yelling. Schwing! Now for the kill, so to speak. My time has arrived.

POP! POP! POP! Giggle giggle POP! POP! POP! Oh, shit! He's coming toward me and he looks madder than I've ever seen him! Be brave! Be strong! You can do this!

POP! POP! "Hand it over." he orders. I don't think he has ever spoken so calmly. As a Death Eater he must have been very scary.

"I can't" comes my answer. My heart is pounding in fear. My mouth is unusually dry. I go on, revenge is mine!

He holds his hand out, eyebrow cocked "Now."

"But sir!" I cry, "It's too dangerous!" The hand does not waver. Ok. Once more with the reluctance. "Please, don't make me give this to you, sir." 

"Now. Hand. It. Over." his voice almost a whisper. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up now. Scary, scary man.

I slowly hand him the offending object. He takes it from me and examines it for a minute. I hear nervous giggles from odd places around the class. I surpress the urge to giggle at his bewildered expression.

'It's bubble wrap." I volunteer. I am treated to the eyebrow again.

"Bubble wrap" he sneers, his mouth twisting as if he had bit into a Vomit flavored bean.

"Yes, sir." I answer contritely. "It's very dangerous, sir."

He gives me an odd look, mixed with disbelief. I nod my head vigorously. "Whatever you do sir. Don't. Pop. A. Bubble. You won't be able to stop."

"Rubbish!" he scoffs. I'm smiling inside. He is a bastard and he deserves this. I hold my breath, certain of what is to come next. His long fingers squeeze a bubble and..

POP! He smirks at me. "Detention, for disturbing my class and wasting my time. Tonight. Eight o'clock."

I look downcast. He smirks at me, then turns on his heel and strides back to his desk, flinging the wrap onto its surface. "Get back to work!" he snaps as he sits.

We all stare at our cauldrons for a few minutes. Be patient, I must be patient. Time ticks by. Fuck! His resistance is wonderful!

POP!

I dare not glance up, nor let out the laughter simmering in my stomach. Pity the fool who titters now.

POP! POP!

Somewhere behind me there is a giggle.

POP! POP! POP!

I dare a glance up at the bastard. He looks horrified, yet his fingers grab and squeeze again.

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

The room explodes in laughter. Snape jumps up from his chair shouting "OUT! OUT! NOW!" We gather our books as fast as we can as our laughter echoes off of the walls. We run from the room as a group, the sound of popping following us out of the doors.

I stop and linger, walking slowly, savoring the sound of his voice as he shouts "NOOOOOOOOOO!" over the popping of the bubble wrap.


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not making money, just having fun. We all have to have a little fun, right?

Tiny Bubbles

Part Two

Revenge is a Dish Best Tasted Cold

If one more student leaves a sheet of that damn bubble wrap in my office or at my seat at the high table again, I will not be responsible for what I do.

That little bitch has made me a laughing stock. I have never handed out more detentions in my career, nor deducted so many points. Even students in my own house have laughed at me. The worst of it all is Albus and Minerva. Making those popping noises whenever I walk into the staff lounge. The doddering old fool gave back all of the points I took away, too.

'She did warn you, Severus,' he said to me, his eyes even twinkled. Damn his eyes!

Very well then. Two can play at that game, missy! Make me a laughing stock will you? 

I, Severus Snape am no laughing stock. I am a Potions master, a powerful wizard, a former Death Eater. 

I have seen and done things you can't even comprehend. I have access to places you will never see. You have no idea who you are dealing with, no idea at all.

I have waited two months for my revenge. I have used this time to plan my revenge on you and I am looking so forward to seeing the expression on your face tomorrow morning in the Great Hall. I am almost too excited to sleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't think that I have ever slept so well as I did last night. Perhaps I need to plot revenge more often. There are so many things I'd love to avenge that I could conceivably sleep well for two years straight. Potter could be useful for six months worth.

But..I must concentrate on the task at hand, which means I must attend breakfast in the Great Hall.

Gods, how I hate children in the morning! There is Albus, looking disgustingly chipper and twinkly in spite of the noise level. I am grinding my teeth, which will lead to a headache. I must stop this and put on the practiced scowl. 

There, that's better. Now make eye contact with a student and gaze coldly at him. Potter is this morning's recipient. Very, very good Severus. Now sip coffee and ignore the odd popping noises coming from the vicinity of Albus and Minerva. They don't know it, but they are next on my list.

Ahhhh, here she comes now and right on time too. So dependable that girl. I resist the urge to smile; after all I don't want anyone fainting. I want as many people as possible to see her humiliation. That's it, sit down now, all is well. Eat your breakfast, chat with your friends nothing but another ordinary day here at Hogwarts.

Oh goody, here comes the post. I am actually rubbing my hands together under the table. Pick up fork, Severus. Take bite of eggs, Severus. DO not stare at the owl that has just landed by her plate.

"Oh!" she squeaks in surprise as a popping noise echoes in the hall. I glance up at the noise, perfectly timed with the rest of the high table's occupants, and resist the urge to laugh.

Her mouth is hanging open, and her face is flushing as the leprechaun that is now standing in front of her bows deeply, straightens up and clears his throat. The silence from her table is almost deafening, but it is nothing compared to the song that the leprechaun is now warbling at the top of his wee voice.

__

'Lovin' you is easy cause you're beautiful   
Makin' love with you is all I wanna do 

The entire hall is silent now, and all eyes are fixed on the table that the leprechaun is singing on. I will not smile. I will not smile. I will not laugh at the horrified expression on her face. I will not laugh at the students that are climbing onto the tables to get a better view of the spectacle.

__

  
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true   
And everything that I do is out of lovin' you   


Oh, here it comes! I will not smile. I will not smile at her beet red face, at the giggles from the Slytherin table, or the Ravenclaw table or the Hufflepuff table or the Griffindor table. 

La la la la la la la... do do do do do !

The note the little creature hit was so high that Minerva's glass has actually shattered! Scowl Severus, scowl. 

No one else can make me feel   
The colors that you bring   
Stay with me while we grow old   
And we will live each day in springtime 

She is trying to crawl under the table now. Trying to crawl away from the outstretched hands offering her a hideous bouquet of flowers as he continues his serenade. No no. No you don't. Well! Potter is actually helping me along here by restraining her from doing so._  
_

Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful   
And every day my life is filled with lovin' you 

Most of the students at the Slytherin table are actually bent double in laughter. Malfoy is in a state of near collapse as tears stream down his cheeks. I don't think he understands the Muggle song, but I know he appreciates the humiliation that is now apparent on her face.

Lovin' you I see your soul come shinin' through   
And every time that we oooooh 

She has covered her face at these words and the implication of them. So she is a virgin, eh? Interesting. Brace yourself, Sev. Watch out for flying glass.

__

  
I'm more in love with you   
La la la la la la la... do do do do do '

The glass in front of Poppy has shattered, and Albus is laughing along with the rest of the high table and student body. I think that I have actually out done the Weasley twins with this one, and permit myself a smirk as she runs from the hall and the laughter that surrounds us.

Yes. Revenge is a dish best tasted cold.

A/N Song is "Lovin' You" sung by Minnie Riperton (1947-1979). Lyrics by Richard Rudolph.

__


	3. Chapter Three

****

Fucking with Snape

Chapter Three

Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

That bastard! He can't take a bit of his back so he thinks to top my evil plot? Bastard! I am still getting teased about the singing leprechaun these three weeks later!

This cannot go unanswered. It will not go unanswered. I am a Griffindor and it would be a dishonor to my house to not respond to this challenge, for a challenge it was.

It's time to bring out the big guns! Time to unleash my weapon of mass destruction.

But then again. Is this the proper course of action? 

Perhaps he had a horrible childhood? Maybe this is why he is such a git? Perhaps he didn't get enough love when he was a boy. Maybe his mum didn't hold him enough or pay any attention to him when he was a baby. Perhaps she never talked baby talk to him or something. Maybe he is an only child, or perhaps the youngest of many. Maybe all of the teasing he endured in school has warped his mind.

I look in the mirror. My expression is dangerously thoughtful. Ron would be very frightened if he were looking at me now. With good reason.

What Severus Snape needs is something to love.

In the mirror I see my reflection smirking back at me. Be afraid Severus Snape. Be very afraid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's here!! Yay! I am dancing around my room with glee! It's here and it's perfect! The very anthesis of Professor Severus Snape.

But how to deliver the package?

Class time, via owl? Meal time, where everyone can see? Oooooh yes! Meal time. Via owl with a Howler attached, so everyone can hear. Must find spell to disguise handwriting and must go to Hogsmeade to deliver via anonymous post. 

Fortunately it's Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow.

Must also steal something personal of his. That won't be easy. Will have to borrow Harry's cloak. He will ask questions though. 

Well then, will have to 'borrow' Harry's cloak. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love Monday's!

I am rather chipper this morning, which is earning me odd looks from everyone at the table. They are all looking decidedly glum and in serious need of caffeine. No matter. They will be perking up in about ten minutes, as will everyone else in the Hall. 

I pick at my eggs, resisting the urge to giggle maniacally. I never realized that I was such a good actress, as I sit here and concentrate on looking as unperky as my housemates. This is so very, very hard to do. The waiting, I mean. It seems like anticipation of an event slows time down to a crawl.

Eventually, time does indeed pass and all of our attention is directed toward the fluttering of many wings, signifying the arrival of the morning post. The noise level in the Great Hall has increased dramatically as the students reach for the various packages and envelopes being dropped into their places. Then the three rather large owls that have swooped into the hall, carrying a large box capture all attention. All eyes follow, as they fly the length of the hall to the High Table and gently deposit the box on top of the plate in front of Professor Snape.

An owl then hops on top of said box and offers the now scowling Professor Snape a red envelope. Said Professor glances around the Hall, (If his eyes were wands, he'd be casting Unforgivables at us) and snatches the envelope from the owls beak.

I, along with the rest of the students and staff are giggling, albeit behind our hands. The atmosphere in the Great Hall is thick with anticipation. 

He tears open the envelope. Here we go now, take this Professor!

"**_Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love," _**it howled. There were nervous giggles all around at the horrified expression on Snape's face.

**__**

  
"There's nothing you can do that can't be done.  
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.  
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game  
It's easy."

I watched his hands twitch, knowing that what he what he desired to do at this moment was to seize the singing envelope and rip it to shreds. Can't do that though. Unless you like third degree burns.

**__**

  
"There's nothing you can make that can't be made.  
No one you can save that can't be saved.  
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time  
It's easy."

We muggles couldn't resist humming, " DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM!"

I have never seen Snape looking quite so transfixed. His eyes are almost bulging and his pasty skin is actually turning a violent shade of red. Griffindor red.

**__**

  
"All you need is love, all you need is love,  
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.  
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.  
All you need is love, all you need is love,  
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.  
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.  
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.   
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.  
It's easy."

It seems that Dumbledore knows this song, as he and McGonagall join the rest of us as we snap our fingers and hum,

" DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM!"

**__**

  
"All you need is love, all you need is love,  
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.  
All you need is love (all together now)  
All you need is love (everybody)  
All you need is love, love, love is all you need."

He is going to explode! Unless he hyperventilates first, my he is panting! He makes to rise from his chair when the envelope announces:

**__**

"Happy birthday Severus! Meet Mister Snookims!"

The box opens with a soft pop and a light plume of smoke. 

The Hall echoes with a resounding, "AWWWWWW!" as the cutest little Scottish Terrier puppy you ever did see leaps out of the box and onto the chest of the stunned and angry Potions master. He instinctually catches it and is rewarded by a tongue bath that only a puppy can give.

Even Malfoy is laughing. This is truly my best work. Poor Mr. Snookims is currently the unknowing victim of an outright frosty glare from Professor Snape. It's a glare I have never seen in class, Lord even his nostrils are flaring. If that lips curls any more it will hit a nostril.

Mr. Snookims is busy playfully gnawing at Snape's knuckles. He rises, and tosses his head at the laughter filled room then strides toward ..Oh shit.. me!

The Hall is now deathly silent, save the cackles coming from the Slytherins.

He is looking Avada Kedavra at me now. War has been declared by one cocked eyebrow.

Ignoring Ron, who is whimpering beside me and trying to hold me back, I stand and cock my brow in kind. Bring it on!

AN: "All You Need Is Love" The Beatles. Lyrics by: Lennon/McCartney.

**__**

  



	4. Chapter Four

****

Tiny Bubbles 

Chapter Four

Whining: Behavior Unbecoming a Death Eater

Mister Snookims. The little bitch gave me a puppy named Mister Snookims. The little bitch gave me a puppy named Mister Snookims in front of the entire school. With a Howler, too. A Howler that sang, if one can call that screeching sound singing, a chipper Muggle song. A chipper Muggle song by The Beatles. 

Granted, and I say this reluctantly, she has taste in music. Although The White Album is my particular favorite.

A puppy. And a Scottish Terrier to boot. Not a nice Bull Dog or even a Mastiff. Oh no. It has to be a nice cute little fluffy creature. What in the bloody hell am I going to do with this yapping, licking, chewing, and squirming creature? 

"Well, perhaps a nice basket to snuggle down in would be a good place to start, Severus."

I turn to face Albus, who hasn't even waited ten minutes to come for a gloat. I haven't seen his eyes twinkle this brightly since the last time he got laid. I put my best scowl on and reply,

"Why am I not surprised at your uninvited appearance, Headmaster."

The old man chuckled at me. "You know me too well, my boy. Here now, let me see Mister Snookims, was it?" he finished, holding out his arms. 

"You know damn good and well what his name is you old bat." I thought as I gladly surrendered the ball of wiggling fur to the bane of my existence. I couldn't help but smirk as the puppy attached Albus' face with his tongue.

"Isn't he charming?" Dumbledore chuckled as he draped the creature over an arm and stroked its back.

"Quite." I growled.

Albus chuckled again. "Come now Severus. He isn't all that bad. Granted he isn't quite the type of dog I would have picked for you, but clearly your admirer thinks Mister Snookims is suited to you."

"Please Albus!" I spat, "Miss Granger has gone entirely too far this time. I demand that she be punished for her behavior."

"You have proof that Miss Granger is the sender of this gift, Severus?" he asked me with a twinkle. 

"Who else would it be? Especially after the lep-never mind." Why do I let him trick me like this?

"Ah, yes. The leprechaun bit. So that was you?"

As if the bastard didn't know this already. Really Albus, your innocence is not very convincing. Once more I find myself defending my actions.

"She deserved it after that incident in the class room, Albus. I wouldn't have had to resort to such measures had you let me give her the detention she so rightly deserved." Go ahead, laugh at me. The old man is making me crankier and crankier by the second.

"As I said before. She did warn you."

I want him to leave, but I know it is useless to ask him. It is ineffectual. Albus is here to pontificate and he won't leave until he's finished. 

"The puppy is asleep, Severus. Conjure up a nice basket for him. One with a nice fluffy cushion."

The creature was indeed asleep. Finally. I have the strong desire to conjure up a coffin, but as I do not wish to give Albus an excuse to pontificate further, I comply. Mister Snookims is now the proud owner of a black wicker basket with a silver and green cushion. He may be a Scottish Terrier, but he will be a Slytherin Scottish Terrier or my name isn't Severus Alexander Snape.

With a sideways glance and an ill-concealed smirk, Albus settled the puppy into his new bed.

"Is there anything else, Albus?" I ask, wanting him to leave. Now. He sighs and settles himself into my favorite chair.

"No, my boy. I just wanted to pop down and check on things. Minerva is quite concerned for the puppy."

What does the old biddy think I'm going to do? Use him for potion ingredience? I say as much to Dumbledore. This makes him laugh. I wasn't joking.

"No no, Severus. She doesn't see you as the puppy type."

"Minerva is welcome to the creature." I say, trying to keep the hopeful tone out of my voice. Please, oh please let Minerva want this fur ball.

"No, Severus. I forbid you to give Mister Snookims away."

Hear that crashing sound? That is what hope sounds like when it comes crashing down. "Really Albus, what am I going to do with a dog?" This somehow comes out sounding more like a whine than a disdainful tone.

"Love him, Severus."

"Excuse me, sir?" I ask, this time I am whining. 

"Do not whine. It's not very becoming to you. Yes, Severus. Love him. You need the companionship."

"I don't want--" I began, but the old bastard cut me off with a wave of his hand and said in a mocking tone.

"Yes, yes, yes, I know you don't want companionship. You need it though, so I am ordering you to keep Mister Snookims. End of subject."

Damn him! Damn her! Damn! Damn! Damn!

4


	5. Chapter Five

Fucking with Snape

Chapter Five

Damsel in Distress?

I refuse to call my dog Mister Snookims. However, I cannot get the damn creature to answer to anything but Mister Snookims or Snook. Snook Snape. This is one of those times that I wish Voldimort had managed to kill me.

Minerva was kind enough to bring a present for Snook. I sneered at her, but must admit that I rather liked her gift. Snook is now the proud owner of a black leather spiked collar. Sometimes the best way to treat a joke is to turn the tables on the jokester and pretend that they were being sincere. This makes Minerva quite angry. I love bursting her bubble.

At any rate, the fur ball has managed to become tolerable in the last fortnight or so. Perhaps his being housebroken has contributed, as well as the fact that he no longer barks at every sound. It is amazing what a well placed silencing spell can do. I would have never thought that a dogs face could be so expressive, but his is. He looked genuinely frightened when he realized that there was no sound accompanying his barks. I think that he has given up trying to bark, perhaps he thinks he's mute. All the better for a good night's sleep for me.

Have also stopped him from following me everywhere. I have Mrs. Norris to thank for that bonus. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Mrs. Norris in a while either. I would call the scrap a tie, even though Filch keeps bragging that Mrs. Norris is the victor. Ha! Her ear looked much worse for wear than Snooks'. His fur is growing back quite nicely and should conceal the tiny scar he will have. 

I am the all around winner, as now the students take getting caught out after curfew more seriously than they did when Snooks was following me. It is hard to be taken seriously when there is a puppy gamboling about one's ankles. If hexing students weren't verboten there would be quite a few nervy Griffindor's wearing extra ears or noses.

Albus is being really insufferable about the whole thing. He is the worst. I can't give him detention and he is my boss, therefore I have to put up with his constant uninvited visits to admire Snooks. The man obviously needs a dog of his own, and I am looking forward to Christmas. 

Won't he be surprised at the Mastiff he will be receiving? 

Of course a puppy won't do. Oh no. He will be receiving a full-grown one-year-old pup named ..Puddles. Happy Christmas Albus. I cannot help but snicker. (If you tell anyone that I snicker you will wish you had never been born. Consider yourself lucky that I am even sharing this with you)

As to the Granger girl. I haven't forgotten about her, oh no. I have merely been biding my time and plotting my revenge. Letting her stew, so to speak. She will be staying on here for the Christmas hols. This suits me quite nicely. I am going to give everyone something to talk about over the break. I can just hear the conversations around the various dinner tables on Christmas Day as her fellow students regale their families about the latest salvo in the war. Perhaps this will make the Daily Prophet.

But first, I must make a visit to St. Mungo's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I caught myself humming King Wencelas this morning as I shaved. I must be careful, it wouldn't do to have a student or worse, Albus hear me being so cheerful. I must act as if this is an ordinary day, with the exception of showing the customary enthusiasm regarding the end of term.

Today is the day I have been waiting for, for the past fortnight. Today I launch the next salvo in the battle between me and Miss Granger. I barely contain a smile as I take my seat at the high table. Of course she is there with her little friends Potter and Weasley. I find myself mildly disgusted at the appalling table manners of Mr. Weasley and wonder what Molly would do if she were to see him attempting to talk with a mouth full of porridge.

Albus is whispering to Minerva, who is blushing at his words. They have been a couple since the fall of The Dark Lord, and I for one am getting quite sick of the pair of them. I accidentally walked in on them the other day and caught them in a, shall we say, compromising situation. I have been taking Dreamless Sleep Potion every night since then.

Ah, it appears that Gilderoy has arrived, for the doors to the great hall have just burst open, revealing the conceited little git. I must say that he follows instructions well, as the loudness of the red suit and white fur trimmed cape attests. This is priceless. Colon Creevy is snapping away with that accursed camera of his. Go Colon!

All conversation has halted, and more than one mouth is hanging open. No wonder…

"Where is the most beautiful witch in the world? Where is my Hermione?" he is shouting. Miss Granger is currently trying to crawl under the table, and we cannot allow that.

"She's over there!" Draco exclaims amidst the giggles coming from his table. Thank you Draco. Twenty five points to Slytherin.

"Ah. My love! My dearest, Hermione!" Lockhart sighs loudly as he practically runs over to the Griffindor table. "I have searched the world over for you."

Oh bugger! He is looking confused. I hope he remembers the picture..ah there we are. He has found her. Her face matches his cape. I think she is even paler than I am. He has seized her hand, which she is desperately trying to pull away.

"Ah. Heaven!" he cries then presses his lips to her trembling hand. "I have missed you so! I have been searching for you everywhere my love!"

The Hall is filled with nervous giggling, punctuated by the outright laughter coming from Slytherin. Weasley looks a bit queasy and Potter has buried his face in his hands. The rest of her house is alternately blushing and looking away. Miss Granger looks as if she is about to faint. 

"P-prof-fessor!" she stammers, "Really!"

"Yes my dearest," he replies, clearly misunderstanding her admonition for a question "really! Then Severus Snape happened upon me one day and told me where I could find you!"

Oh shit. The nutter wasn't supposed to say that!

Double shit! Miss Granger has now turned an angry shade of red. What's worse, Albus is now twinkling at me. The bastard.

"Did he really now?" she asks Lockhart. I don't like that cold tone her voice has taken. Neither do Potter, Weasley and a few of my Slytherins apparently as they are looking somewhat frightened now.

"Yes!" he answers nodding his head vigorously. "Only, I didn't remember who it was I was looking for, I have this short term memory problem you see. Severus was kind enough to remind me. And look, he even gave me your picture when he found out about my memory problem. Wasn't that kind of him?"

"Very," she agrees as she shoots daggers at me with those eyes of hers. "But, Gilderoy darling," she continues as she grasps his other hand in hers "I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but I don't love you anymore."

What is she up to? Why isn't she running from the hall in tears? She is supposed to run from the hall in tears and he is supposed to chase her, calling her name longingly. Fuck! Lockhart looks at her, his expression puzzled.

"You don't?" he asks.

"No, Gilderoy. I'm sorry," she sighs, shaking her head in feigned sorrow. "Someone else has stolen my heart."

I am beginning to think that I should make a swift exit. But that would be running away, and I don't run away. Even if an angry Miss Granger is more dangerous than a room full of Death Eaters.

"Who!" he shouts, "Who is the libertine that dares steal my Hermie from me? Tell me who he is and I shall call him out!"

Who was the dumb ass that gave this insane mass of narcissism the wand he has just pulled out of his robe? 

"No! Gilderoy you can't!" she shouts as he waves his wand carelessly around the room, causing students to duck . "Please!"

"But my dearest-"

"No. You can't fight him. You would kill him and then I would have to kill myself because I could never live with out him!"

The students are giggling at her declaration, this is most satisfying. However, Lockhart is looking truly angry. Albus is looking at me and laughing silently and Minerva is smirking as she places a restraining arm on Hagrid. 

"Very well then, my love you give me no other choice," he declared as he picked her up and flung her over his shoulder. "You have obviously been placed under a spell by a nefarious bastard. I must rescue you from his evil clutches!" 

"No! Put me down!"" she is shouting, pounding her fists into his back. The entire Hall is laughing now, including Potter and Weasley who are guffawing loudly. I allow myself to smile as she glares at her friends, her eyes narrowed. The she looks as me, her eyes suddenly merry.

"Severus my love, help me!" she screams as he carries his struggling package toward the doors. 

There is a loud collective gasp, as all eyes turn to me. Except for Albus, who has fallen into his chair, his laughter ringing through the room.

Fuck.


	6. Chapter Six

Tiny Bubbles

Chapter Six

Hermione Plots

****

"Severus my love! Save me!" 

Slytherin's think they are so clever. But Snape should know by now you should not fuck with Hermione Granger, especially a pre-menstrual Hermione Granger. (Ron and Harry learned this lesson a long time ago.) 

I could not help to use that opportunity against old Severus; turn about is fair play. After all he would have done the same to me. So I played it for all it was worth. Lockhart almost dropped me when he spun around with his wand drawn. (I want to know the identity of the idiot who actually gave him a wand.) His honor apparently demanded that he defend me against the advances of the nefarious Snape.

Snape was, of course, ready for this and neatly deflected the Rictusempra with a well cast Protego followed immediately by a neat Binding spell. Most impressive! 

I, of course had to finish the damsel in distress thing, and properly thank my defender. 

"Oh Severus!" I shouted as I ran to him and threw my arms around his waist. Of course I clung to him as if I were a leech. Of course he was trying to shove me away. Oh well, in for a penny in for a pound, 

"My hero! Oh my love!" I sighed as I laced my arms around his neck, pulled his face closer to mine and kissed his lips. His lips were actually quite nice, not too hard, not too soft, just right. And oh my goodness, he actually responded. For about a half a second. Just enough time to make my knees go weak.

I don't know if it was the sudden realization that the Head Girl was actually kissing him, or perhaps it was Ron's rather loud Eww that led to his next action.

"Miss Granger," he growled, breaking off the kiss and looking quite angry. "Unhand me!"

Damn Ron and his poor sense of timing! (Whoa there Hermione! What in the name of all that is holy are you thinking?)

I let him go, and glanced about the Great Hall. Malfoy was laughing so hard that he was actually crying. Dumbledore's laughter was ringing through out the Hall. Poor Harry looked as if he were about to faint and Ron had turned an interesting shade of green.

I didn't dare look at Severus, but I sensed his abrupt departure. Harry told me later that he was walking as fast as one could without it being a run. Poor Severus! He really had it coming though.

Poor Gilderoy, was taken away looking thoroughly confused. I imagine he is back at St. Mungos practicing his joined up writing. Dear Gods I hope he does not send me any love letters. Gilderoy was a git but I cannot help but feel sorry for him now. Yes, yes I know, he tried to Oblivate Harry and Ron but that does not mean Snape should use him so badly. 

The Bastard!

For the past couple of weeks, the great bat has been on a rampage, and if it weren't for our dear Headmaster all of the houses points would be in the negative. Including Slytherin. But Dumbledore, bless his heart, is taking detentions and point removal, on appeal. So now Snape has resorted to sneaking up and scowling at people in the corridors. Except for me. He totally ignores me. Not that I blame him of course. I imagine that at some point he got tired of students and faculty asking when the wedding would be. 

Or maybe he is merely bidding his time. 

Which of course means I must make a preemptive strike. 

But what to do? He is hypervigilant now, I'm sure. I am. I check under my bed and in the cupboards before I turn in for the night. Some times I wonder if I should just surrender and declare him the victor by default-but that would be very un-Griffindorish of me. 

I mean, what was I thinking? He's a fucking ex-Death Eater for crying out loud! Sure, the bubble wrap was brilliant and all. Mr. Snookims was merely retaliation for the damn leprechaun incident. It was not my intention that the cute little puppy follow his master everywhere whilst playfully nipping at his ankles. I certainly wasn't one of those students who failed to take Snape seriously when caught out after curfew. (But really, I can see their point. It's hard to be frightened of the man when he's got that adorable little puppy frolicking with the hem of his robes. Besides, you should see Severus' face when he is holding Mr. Snookims! He actually looks.. nicer.)

So, here I am, in a war that I started. 

I have to admit that even though the hypervigilance is tiring, I am having a good time. I suspect that Severus is too. There has been too little laughter these last few years, and I am certain that Severus hasn't laughed in a very long time. I've never seen him smile, even when Voldemort fell. Everyone was smiling but him; he looked just the same as ever.

So, it's my duty as a good Griffindor to make a pre-emptive strike. The honor of my House depends on it. I mean, after all if I can get Severus to smile or even laugh? Wow. I've always wanted to see what Hell looked like when it was frozen over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's amazing how a few well-placed directions from the Head Girl at the weekly Prefects meeting can yield such great results. That and a well-placed bribe to Malfoy. He can be quite tolerable once his palm is greased. Even he agreed that my idea is rather brilliant and I must say that everyone is quite excited to have the opportunity to participate in what they think is my next salvo in this war. Yes, that's right dear reader. I did say think.

I have decided that due to a certain Potion master's hyper-vigilance, I must provide a distraction. It can't be too lame, it must be believable. It must distract him, make him think that the retaliation is complete. After all if he is busy planning his next move against me then he will be too distracted to notice the real retaliation until it was too late.

I don't think he will criticize my potion making skills after this. He will be too busy fending off the advances of a certain custodian. Tee hee.

But first, there is the Halloween Ball to get through. I think that Hogwarts will be witness to a first in the costume department. I hope that Severus appreciates the gesture. 


	7. Chapter Seven

****

Fucking with Snape

Chapter Seven

All Hallows Eve

A/N: This chapter will be narrated by both Hermione and Severus. Oh, and I couldn't resist in regards to the band for the ball--you'll see. ~smiles~

I don't understand why I am this nervous. I mean, it's not like I am about to get married or anything. I am not in danger of getting expelled. I don't even think that I will get a detention, for I am sure that Headmaster knows what is afoot. I wouldn't be surprised if he participated, he just has that sense of humor.

I am nervous because I am so excited, I suppose. I don't think that anything like this has ever been done before. I certainly haven't read about it in ' Hogwarts, A History' but then again, why would the pranking of a professor be mentioned? If it were spectacular enough a prank, perhaps it would earn a mention in some future edition.

Hermione, my dear girl, stop talking to yourself and finish your preparations. Just a few more swishes and a few more flicks, and you begin the events that will go down in history. The Griffindor who out Slytherined a Slytherin.

Hopefully it won't be a posthumous honor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate chaperoning these events. The only saving grace, as it were, is the fact that I have the delightful task of being able to catch snogging students. I love taking house points, it's one of the few reasons why I continue teaching. That and the food isn't bad either.

The Great Hall looks as if the walls have been washed down with pumpkin juice and bat guano. Albus really has a gift for overdoing the decorations. I sometimes wonder if he may have some homosexual proclivities, in spite of his frequent snogging with Minerva. I shan't journey into that territory. No, instead I am currently pacing the floor, perhaps if I keep moving the decorations won't look so bad.

As I was saying, the Great Hall looks absolutely disgusting and I hate chaperoning these events. The dunderheads will be descending upon me in mere minutes and I am feeling, oh Gods dare I say it? Nervous. 

I haven't been this nervous since the night I had my first-never mind. I'm not going there either. 

Ahem. 

As I was saying, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that Granger is going to attempt one of her pranks on me tonight. 

Not that I don't owe her for the Lockhart debacle. 

Severus my love indeed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just love it when a plan comes together as well as this one appears to have. I cannot believe my eyes as I gaze down from the landing, down into the Griffindor common room and into a sea of black relieved only by the occasional stuffed vulture hat. I cannot help but cackle. Maniacally.

"Oy! Mione!" Ron's voice has sent me into a fresh gale of cackling. I mean really, Ron's voice coming from Snape's body. "Do we really have to wear these ruddy dresses? Why can't you girls wear this?"

"Yes Ron, you do," I answer him as I descend the stairs, "because it's much better this way. Girls are Snape as Snape and boys are Snape as Boggart. Don't you dare faint Neville!"

Really, that boy just makes me want to hex the crap out of him sometimes! The clock chimes and we all look at it. It was time to head for the Great Hall and the Halloween Feast slash Ball. If Snape doesn't kill me it ought to be fun, Dumbledore has hired this awesome band and I have already promised the first dance to Severus. Of course he is completely unaware of this little fact. 

I take one last glance in a mirror and shiver at the face looking back at me, smiling. Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely too good at charms. It was so easy to teach this particular one, I just passed it along to each houses' prefect. I hope that the other houses will impress me as much as the Griffies have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am going to kill the Granger bitch! I don't care if I get time in Azkaban for it. Nervy little bitch! It's bad enough that I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning, but now I am now graced with the presence of five hundred of me as well as another five hundred or so of me in..drag.

After I kill Granger I am going to kill Lupin and Longbottom. Fucking Boggarts-Heavens forbid Longbottom think of Dumbledore dressed in drag. Oh no. It must be me, evil, snarky me. All I have ever tried to do is teach the nincompoop. I can't help it if he's lilly livered. How he ended up in Griffindor is beyond me. Hufflepuff would have suited him better.

After I kill Granger, Lupin and Longbottom I am going to kill Albus. Why you ask?

The fucking band, that's why.

What ever possessed the man to hire The Vampire Lestat? Granger probably. Do you have any idea how twisted it is to see yourself squealing at a singing vampire? In a high pitched, nails on chalkboard sound that only adolescent females can make? Well multiply that by five hundred and you might have a fair picture of the scene before me.

Or how about five hundred or so of you..Gods they call that dancing?

I mean, was the Lockhart thing all that bad? She took advantage of his mucking it up and got me with my own, didn't she? Hell I'm the one who had to put up with all of the questions concerning my upcoming nuptials. I'm the one who had to suffer the humiliation of having to justify any point removals and detentions to Albus Bloody Dumbledore.

And now I have to listen to vampire music..this Goth crap what ever that is. 

Oh goody I am approaching me and I'm ..smiling?

"Hiya Professor! Having fun?"

Oh joy. It's the bitch herself. I don't smile back. "No."

"Oh I am so sorry," her voice dripped sarcasm and if it weren't for the fact that I was talking to me in Grangers voice I'd be ticked off. As it is, I am rather amused.

"I'm sure," I returned successfully keeping the laughter out of my voice.

"Well how about a dance then, to cheer you up?" she asks and looks over her shoulder at the group of me as they attempted to inflict bodily harm on each other in time to the music.

"That is not dancing."

She..I laugh at me. "No. That's moshing."

"I don't mosh, Miss Granger."

" I should hope not Severus. It looks most dangerous."

Was that? No it can't possibly be, "Madam Pomphrey?"

Somebody please kill me.


	8. Chapter 8

Fucking with Snape

Chapter Eight

The Valentines Ball

Part Deux

I understand that there is much speculation on whether or not I charm my cape to billow in a certain manner. Well, I'm not telling. I will, however say that my cape is billowing rather nicely this evening as I make my way back to the Great Hall with a dusty vial tucked safely away in a pocket.

Yes, yes I know that what I am about to do is a bit juvenile, but I simply cannot resist. I must win this little war betwixt myself and Hermione-I mean Miss Granger even if it means playing dirty. I am a Slytherin and I don't like losing.

Besides, I will be killing two birds with one stone, so to speak as I will be exacting a bit of revenge on Albus at the same time. He deserves it for this evening alone if not for anything else.

So at last I am back in the horribly pink Great Hall, thanking the Gods yet again that this day comes but once a year and that her damn charm seems to have expired as now there are students instead of Severus clones 'moshing' to the music of that damn Lestat.

And, ah. Miss Granger is approaching me. No doubt in the attempt to get me to live up to my promise of a dance. Of course I shall oblige the lady. It's necessary to my plan its true, but I just have to add that the red velvet strapless number she is wearing holds a certain appeal. When did she get breasts? More to the point when did she get that body? Those curves? When did she discover hair products? Lips like hers' ought to be against the law.

Yes, I know it's improper for a Professor to have a raging erection over a student but then again I was a Death Eater and I am a man and she looks so absolutely edible. I have actually begun to rethink my plan for tonight.

"Well Professor. You see that the charm has worn off and I think that perhaps now would be the time to get the promised dance over and done with? That is if you will deign to be seen dancing with a mere chit of a girl?"

Why, oh why did she have to take such a _pert_ tone? Does she have no idea how much sarcasm turns me on? The battle between horny Severus and bastard Severus is now going full tilt as I lead her to the dance floor. At least the damn vampire band (and I use that term loosely) has decided to slow things down a bit. Hermione-I mean Miss Granger is so soft against my hands and I am swiftly losing my ability to think in a rational manner so in an effort to keep my thoughts to some level of civility I say to her,

"Albus is watching Miss Granger. Please smile and at least pretend that we are getting along."

"I will only smile if you do, Professor."

Nicely done Miss Granger, I am thinking, but you won't tempt me into something that I never do outside of my quarters.

"What, and cause at least half of the student body to faint? Poppy would have my head."

This must stop. Miss Granger is laughing at my joke and people are looking at us. This in its self is bothersome, not to mention the fact that I actually made a joke. Damn all pheromones and women in red velvet. Damn Miss Granger for pointing the fact that I made a joke out to me. Her voicing her amazement to me with that surprised expression on her face is rather pissing me off.

"Miss Granger," I respond. "I am capable of a certain degree of lightheartedness. Don't act so shocked."

And there is that thoughtful look she gets when she is about to display her intelligence. I hate that look. It usually means that I am going to hear something extremely intelligent and honest. Fucking Gryffindors.

"If I look shocked, professor it is because I am shocked. I would have never thought that you had a sense of humor nor anything even closely resembling _lightheartedness. _You have shown nothing even resembling those traits these seven years at least."

I have to answer her challenge. I also need to smell her skin, her hair. That scent she is wearing is subtly dulling my senses and bringing about the return of my heretofore mentioned erection. So I bend my head closer to hers and whisper in her ear,

"I am, even though this will shock you to hear it Miss Granger, a human." We are bumped into by a pair of dancers and Miss Granger is knocked against me. This is very bad for I had kept her at a careful distance for a reason.

I cannot meet her shocked eyes as she feels my physiological reaction to her mere presence. I suddenly feel like a sick pervert. I am sure that she is looking at me as if I were. I am currently praying that she says nothing to me at this moment. I would rather finish this dance in embarrassed silence then retreat to my rooms and hide for the rest of term.

"P-professor Snape?"

"Say nothing more, Miss Granger. I beg of you."

"But, sir I-"

"Nothing Miss Granger means precisely that. Nothing. Let us merely finish this dance and part ways for the rest of the evening."


	9. Chapter 9

**Fucking with Snape**

**Chapter Nine**

**Good Things Come to Those Who Wait**

That sick son of a bitch! I am going to fucking kill him! Doesn't make love potions indeed. The bastard!

What in all of the name God am I going to do about Argus I'll Love You Forever Filch?

How could Severus Snape, who I might add had an erection for me, do this?

The bastard!

Of all the sneaky and low down things to do!

Oh, yes the entire school is laughing at me this week, which is almost over thank the Gods. Hopefully the love potion will have worn off by Sunday because I don't know how much more of Filch trotting along behind me I can handle. Oh and Professor Dumbledore finds this most amusing as well. I have never seen him laugh harder.

I can take the laughter from all of them. Harry, Ron, Jenny and the like, but the very thing that is doing me in is the laughter from HIM. The fucking bastard!

I think that I have figured out when he slipped the potion into my goblet, and I reluctantly admit that I was rather distracted. I mean it's not everyday that a girl like me bumps into an erection, and a rather large one at that, on her professor.

I was a bit taken aback by that development; I mean I knew that I looked great in my gown and all. I must, reluctantly admit to you my dear friends that I have experienced a growing attraction toward Professor Snape for a few weeks now. No. I have no idea why or how but it's there and who am I to question my hormones?

You must admit that he is very sexy in that dark way of his. So cruel, so brooding, always dressed in black and looking tragic. Oh dear Lord he makes me so horny when he looks at me from underneath those dark hooded eyes! I have actually dreamt of him on several occasions. Dreams that nice girls like me should never have, dreams that make me do things that the nun's at my old school said would make me go blind. Well my eyesight is just fine thank you very much and I have to see what that man looks like underneath all of that dark material!

Go ahead. Hate me. I don't care. I know I'm sick in the head. I don't care. I am actually happy that I gave him an erection at the ball. I admit to being very flattered that I caused that sort of reaction in that man of all men. Not to mention the fact that he actually told a joke. Not to mention the fact that he is a terribly good dancer and that his hands felt so right on me.

Then he had to go and fuck it all up.

Bastard!

Yes, I am ranting. Let me fill you in on the events of this week and you will be ranting right along with me. Or laughing. Whatever. Your reaction to this mess is merely a drop in the bucket of my miserable week.

Which started out with Argus Filch giving me goo goo eyes and asking me for the last dance.

I bloody well nearly threw up all over the Headmasters robes. He was, however, saved at the last minute by the look of shall we say amusement that flashed in the eyes of one Severus I Have a Hard on for Hermione Snape.

Instead of seducing my Professor, as I had started planning to do as soon as I felt the said hard on, I found myself fending off the disgustingly leering Filch with a polite but pointed "NO".

He actually looked disappointed. Then he threw himself onto his knees and declared his undying love for me.

As loud as he could.

The Great Hall is an incredible echo chamber, were you aware?

I nearly fainted, but was again saved from humiliation in the nick of time by Draco Malfoy's amused laughter.

Visions of Lockhart danced through my head. Where was the conceited little mad man when you need him? Better Gilderoy Lockhart declaring his passion for me than the maintenance man and bane of students' existence, Argus Filch.

What a total fuck up. I chanced a look at Severus' face to see if he had any sort of reaction to Filchs' words. The smarmy bastard was smiling. Really. He was actually smiling. In amusement and with pleasure.

But it was the Headmasters laughter that was my undoing. Where was my ally? My partner in crime? He was laughing at me along with the rest of the students in the hall.

I felt so betrayed. I did what any warrior in my place would do.

I beat a careful and dignified retreat. This was of course ruined by Filch nipping at my heels.

The sick son of a flea ridden bitch actually followed me all the way back to the tower and would only back off when I sweetly told him that I had to go to sleep now and to please go away.

He, oh God, smiled at me and said he would meet me here the next morning to make sure I got to breakfast safely.

Like Voldemort was still alive or something.

So, at the aspect of having to deal with Filch before breakfast, or any other time of day for that matter, I decided that it would perhaps be advantageous to me and my dignity if I were to make it a point of rising before he did.

I should have slept in.

He must have spent the night outside of the common room door, because he was there waiting for me at the ungodly hour of four am. I know this because Jenny Weasley took great pleasure at informing me of his presence as she climbed into her bed at said hour.

I didn't ask where she had been. I just knew that Neville would spend all of Saturday smiling.

I had to get up and dressed eventually. I knew that word of my latest paramour would have made its way around the whole school by now. Rita Skeeter has nothing on Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasley. I knew that my newly declared love would be waiting for me to make my appearance.

So I decided to be rather Slytherin about the whole thing and use the situation to my advantage. Heaven forbid that I allow Severus Snape to see me upset over all of this.

It was rather worse than I thought it would be. I mean really, did the man have to be so Uriah Heepish about all of this? He wanted to carry my books for me.

I pointed out to him that it was Saturday and therefore we had no classes. At which point he gushed that he knew that his adored one loved to study and that he would be so very grateful if I were to allow him to carry my books to the library.

How could I turn down such a sweetly made offer? I just nodded at him, smiled (big mistake) and returned to my room where I fetched my book sack.

Yes, he was still there waiting for me, so I handed him the book case and sent him on his way.

Now perhaps I could enjoy my breakfast in relative peace and quiet.

Ha!

If I ever come up with an idea like S.P.E.W. again, please hex me. This morning would have been ideal for taking advantage of the conveniences of house elves, but they don't really like me and Dobby is impossible to find at this time of year. It is at moments like those of this past Saturday that I regret the whole S.P.E.W. thing utterly and completely.

Going to the Great Hall was a huge mistake. I mean biblically huge. It became clear to me when I walked into the room that Severus Snape had bested me. He had won.

He had won, because when I walked into the Great Hall, the entire student body and every single staff member, with the exception of Snape was there waiting for my appearance. They were all laughing at me, not with me, because I couldn't bring myself to laugh at this horrible event.

Then he appeared. Striding confidently through the main doors, which he rarely does. The son of a bitch was taking his bows and he was getting a standing ovation from every single soul in the place.

I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to throw him off of Astronomy Tower. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him in front of everyone.

I did none of the above. Instead, in a gesture that would have made Godrick Griffindor proud, I defiantly took my seat at the table and proceeded to eat my breakfast.

I didn't miss the look of disappointment that crossed Severus' face, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of him seeing me in any way weakened by this turn of events. Nor would I let him see that I desired him as much as he did me. That look helped me get through the whole sordid meal.

All I can say is that as much as I love Ron Weasley and Harry Potter they are very both lucky that I didn't hex their balls off. They were the worst of the lot. Malfoy's bullshit I expect and can deal with but my friends really know where to aim those barbs that they so lovingly call jokes.

The meal was ruined or made even better-depending on your point of view- by the appearance of the doting Argus Filch by my side, once more. I chanced a glance up at the high table only to see Professor McGonagall slapping a choking Albus Dumbledore on the back and a very amused Severus Snape. And an amused Madam Hooch, Poppy Pomprey, Professor Sprout and yes, even that flaky Trelawney bitch had come down from her stinky tower to join in on the fun.

Life was very good for all but me at Hogwarts that morning. I vowed vengeance.

Starting with Potions class and the light smattering of applause that some brave Slytherins gave to their head of house. Followed by the kissy sounds made by the same brave Slytherins as I walked into the class, with my paramour hot on my heels.

The only bright spot was that Severus kicked Filch out of the classroom for the duration of his class. The bright spot was dulled somewhat by Filchs' promise to await me in the hall.

I nearly failed the class for the day. All of my classes for that matter, as each and every one of my professors kindly bade Filch to await me in the hall. Thanks guys!

It didn't take me long to notice that Mrs. Norris was missing from her usual place at Filchs' side. I was dying to enquire about her absence but I dared not speak to the man any more than was necassairy.

Well, the rest of the week progressed in much the same manner.

Until this morning.

Professor Snape was in his usual bad mood, the thrill of his victory having lasted for only one day, when he strode into the classroom.

"Miss Granger!" he barked. "See me in my office after class. The rest of you get to work on this potion! And no more clapping Draco."


	10. Chapter 10

**Fucking with Snape**

**Chapter Ten**

**The Scandalous Behavior of Mrs. Norris**

There she stands before me, trying her best to look brave and unconcerned. The little minx.

She should have been sorted into Slytherin on this act alone. Very clever wench this one, she could give Lucius Malfoy a run for his money.

But, I digress from the topic at hand. Which is out staring one Hermione Granger, who barely glanced at the horrific scene before her before meeting my eyes again. Fascinating thing to watch the way her emotions flash across her face, she would be a lousy poker player this one. True she is as unreadable as a Basilisk now, but when she first saw the scene in this room she went from horrified to questioning to amusement in rapid succession before pasting her now stony expression on her face. The only thing that gives her away is the amusement flashing in her eyes.

The sheer nerve of this girl never ceases to astound me. How can she be so amused at the situation that I am sure she has created between Mrs. Norris, that flea bitten creature Filch calls a cat and my own Snooks?

I am finally forced to speak, "An explanation would be in order, Miss Granger."

When did she learn to arch her brow in that manner? "An explanation, professor?" she asks me "I am afraid that I don't understand what you mean. The situation seems simple enough."

I have to resist the urge to throttle her, yes yes I know that she turns me on when she uses that sarcastic tone, but today is different. Snooks could be damaged by this never mind my reputation should this get out.

"Miss Granger, I have no desire to carry on this meeting any longer than necessary so your rapid explanation would be appreciated."

She looks at me with those eyes of hers, and despite the situation at hand I find myself getting another raging erection for her. Damn it all to Hades! This of course means that I shall have to sit down, which will take some of the advantage away from me.

I look at her, expectantly as I sit behind my desk and she takes a deep breath. A deep shuddering breath which sends shards of heat shooting through me.

"Well, Professor. It appears that Mrs. Norris is trying to, erm, mate with Mr. Snookims, sir?"

I am going to kill her. "Thank you for your usual astute observations Miss Granger, but I want an explanation as to WHY THIS FLEA RIDDEN CAT TRYING TO FUCK MY DOG!"

"Well I am sure that I don't know, Professor Snape," she says in that huffy tone of hers that will one day get her killed. Perhaps today is the day.

"Of course you know, Miss Granger. You are responsible for this-this unnatural turn of events!"

"And if I were do you think that I would admit it?"

"If you value your position as Head Girl, you will."

"So snarky you are today, Professor! Don't threaten me! What about the potion you spiked my punch with at the ball?"

"I did no such thing Miss Granger! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! Now answer my question! How did that mangy bag of fur get the sudden desire to seek out my dog and attempt to reproduce with him?"

While Miss Granger is gathering her thoughts allow me to describe the events of the last few days.

Yes I was very amused at the entire turn of events on the night of the ball. True, I had intended that Hermione drink the spiked punch and fall head over heels for Albus thus getting both of them back in one fell swoop. Unfortunately things didn't work out the way I planned. Fortunately Filch was stupid and ill mannered enough to oblige me and drink the potion and fall for the lovely Miss Granger.

I couldn't have planned it better myself.

It was funny for the first day or so, and I must admit that I enjoyed the applause that I received in the Great Hall at breakfast. I have never had a more attentive batch of students in my classes either, Longbottom for instance actually failed to fuck up his assignment. I felt as admired as I never have been and I will admit that it was gratifying. Hells bells, I nearly smiled at Minerva!

And then after dinner, when I returned to my chambers..please take a seat dear reader for I fear for your safety. Thank you. Now as I was saying, I returned to my chambers on Monday and called for Snooks (yes, I still refuse to call him Snookims) so that I could order him outside for our evening walk around the lake. He failed to show up, as he had on Saturday and Sunday. I hadn't been worried on the two days prior, for the dog had taken a liking to visiting with Hagrid and his drooling dog, Fang.

This posed no problem with me, for Snook didn't pick up on Fang's drooling habit and Hagrid was doing a rather good job of teaching Snook everything he needed to know about being a good terrier. You see, it saved me the job of it and for that I am thankful to Hagrid and his overly huge and tender heart.

But Snook had never been away for three days together and so I began to worry. Then I went looking for him when he failed to come at my call.

My search of all of the grounds failed to give me satisfactory results, and Hagrid saw no sign of him in the Dark Forest, so I returned to my chambers determined to talk to the Headmaster about the whole situation.

Imagine my surprise and horror when I opened the door to my bedroom and found my dog attempting to climb up the bed curtains in a vain attempt to escape the attentions of one Mrs. Norris. Who was attempting to mount my dog (yes she had it backwards but then she does belong to Filch, who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer). His yowling was awful and loud, and Mrs. Norris' yowls were drowned out, but I could see that she was frustrated and determined to attain satisfaction.

Not with my dog! No indeed. No cat was going to fuck my dog, especially that one.

I mean it's so unnatural. It's disgusting. I was struck speechless for a full minute.

I rescued my dog from Mrs. Norris' evil attentions and kicked the mangy cat out of my rooms. I prayed that the impulse she was under would wear off by the morning and so I took Snooks to bed with me and spent the evening consoling him.

I admit that the creature has grown on me in these past few months and the Snooks, while still a puppy is learning to comport himself in a more Slytherin manner. Not that I would ever admit this in public, mind you. I have a reputation to protect.

But, I digress. Snooks finally stopped trembling and went to sleep as did I. The next morning, with some trepidation I opened my door to take Snook for his morning ablutions. Yes, my friends. Mrs. Norris was waiting for us and immediately leapt upon my dog, who in all of his Slytherin bravery began to whimper and make for the bedroom.

Have you ever seen a cat attempt to hump a dog? I shan't describe it to you, for your imagination if properly used will provide you with an adequate picture of the whole scene.

Yes. Horrible isn't it? And I thought I had seen it all under the Dark Lord.

So it progressed until today. It didn't take me long to figure out that the Norris creature was under the influence of a potion. No doubt supplied by Miss Granger, in her attempt to seek revenge on me for the whole hard on, spiked punch, slathering paramour Filch incident at the ball. Perhaps I was too quick in taking enjoyment from the whole mishap?

Ah, Miss Granger is opening her mouth to speak. "Perhaps, in the melee of the whole Hufflepuff incident some punch was spilled and Mrs. Norris drank it?"

Something I had not considered. Interesting and plausible. Too plausible.

"Miss Granger, I was born at night but I wasn't born last night."

"Yes, I can see that sir. But never the less it is the only logical thing I can think of as a reason for this current situation."

She is trying to trap me into an admission of guilt. "That would be assuming, Miss Granger that there was a love potion in a goblet on the night of the ball."

She is giving me that sideways look of hers, and by the Gods I am actually even more aroused than I was a moment ago. "Sir, with all due respect, you know as well as I that you spiked my drink after our dance. I too was born at night Professor but not last night. Professor Dumbledore and the rest of the bloody school KNOW that FILCH IS FOLLOWING ME AROUND LIKE A DOG IN HEAT BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Do not raise your voice to me, Miss Granger or you will REGRET IT!" I have had enough of this game. Nothing is going according to plan and now the chit is yelling at me.

"REGRET IT? REALLY? IF you hadn't been stupid enough to cheat and seek petty revenge for my charm, PROFESSOR SNAPE then your dog wouldn't be the object of Mrs. Norris' tender affections!"

This cannot go unanswered. "AND if YOU MISS GRANGER hadn't started this whole situation in the first place then WE wouldn't be having this CONVERSATION!"

"Indeed Severus? Well let me tell you that YOU were the one who started this whole insane war!"

"I DID NOT! YOU gave ME that accursed bubble wrap in the first place!"

"YOU GAVE ME AN UNFAIR GRADE!"

"It was a FAIR GRADE Hermione. You were preoccupied and turned in a less than perfect assignment."

"SO that warrants an 85 PROFESSOR?"

"It was a high 85 Miss Granger."

"You still deserved it," she sniffs. "Besides what about that bloody LEPRECHAN? Have you any idea how long it took me to get that damn song OUT OF MY HEAD?"

I must smile at the memory, and in doing so I cause the minx to gasp. "Yes, well that was rather brilliant of me wasn't it? But you did deserve it."

"DESERVE IT! Damn it all Severus, can't you take a joke?"

"Yes I can Hermione, but you seem to have problem with it."

"I DO NOT! I have a marvelous sense of humor. It's yours that could do with a little work."

"HA! What about Snooks, Miss Granger? Did you have to deliver the package in the middle of breakfast?"

"Well, yes actually. It wouldn't have been as funny if I had it sent to your class room. Besides I rather think that everyone enjoyed my song selection."

She has a good point there, not that I will admit it to her. "Perhaps they did, but the next time you wish to torture someone with a Beatles song, perhaps you could pick something from The White Album?"

"I had thought of that, SEVERUS but I rather thought my song selection was a more appropriate accompaniment for MR. SNOOKIMS."

"I suppose that you are still quite proud of yourself over that one?"

"Yes, Mr. Snookims was and still is a source of amusement."

"I am well aware of the amusement gained by all at MY EXPENSE!"

"I will merely say that you deserved it. ALL OF IT! ESPECIALLY AFTER THE LOCKHART INCIDENT!"

"Which you nicely turned to your advantage."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Hermione. Now WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MY DOG!"

By all that is holy, she is looking at me in a very hostile manner and I suddenly want to kiss her senseless.

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT FILCH? Then there's that matter of your physiological reaction to me that we need to discuss as well. Really Professor PERVING over a student!"

She has finally done it. She has crossed the line and she cannot go back. "PERVING Miss Granger? I assure you that I WAS DOING MUCH MORE THAN PERVING OVER YOU!"

Make that I have finally crossed the line. The room is deathly silent, except for the damn animals. Oh dear God she is walking over to me with her wand drawn. She flicks that beautiful wrist of hers and the room is now utterly silent, except for our heavy breathing.

"So, Professor," she purrs. Oh dear Lord she is purring at me. "What have you been doing besides perving over me? Thinking about me? Dreaming about me?"

I cannot answer her for all of the blood has left my brain and has fled to other regions of my body. She is pushing my chair out and, oh dear God, sitting on my lap.

"Nothing to say, Professor? Never mind then," she continues as she settles her luscious self onto me. "Perhaps you would rather show me? I was always good at show and tell in Kindergarten."

A/N: Come visit my web site Titania's Kingdom at, http/ 


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